Change is good, right?

by Barbra

You see, I like daily routine. I like that nothing out of the ordinary happens. I’m very much like my cat in that respect. I guess routine makes me feel good because it gives me the illusion to be in command. On the other hand I’m painfully aware that it’s just an illusion. When everything is out of my hands I like to find solace and stability in those small rituals I’ve developed.




It got to the point where I thought I was going out of my mind if I didn’t change at least a few things. Well, to be honest, I’ve had this feeling for some time now.

I’m not sure, but maybe I’m in the middle of my midlife-crisis.



I’ve changed a few things already. Small things. Like my smoking habit. I quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I’ve always liked a cigarette now and then, but in the last 6 months this habit got completely out of hand. After 20 years I suddenly didn’t smoke because I wanted to, but because I thought nothing of it. That probably doesn’t make sense. I’ll try to make it clearer: I used to sit at my desk and smoke and smoke and smoke - and I didn’t realize I smoked so much until another pack was gone. I needed a pack a day already. A year ago I smoked a pack in a week or if I was under stress in three days.

To be honest, I always hated the stink. Also... Well, actually I’m not sure about this because it hasn’t happened in twenty-one months, but I don’t think I’ll never kiss again in my life. I don’t think I’m that old. Wrinkly perhaps - if you look close enough with a magnifying glass. Smoking isn’t sexy (although... dayum... that girl* over there is HOT). Well, if or when, yes, when I kiss again, I don’t want to smell and taste like an ashtray!


Also I woke up one morning and hated everything in my wardrobe. Although I really can’t say why. Black is still (and has been for the last 20 years) my favorite color. I hate skirts. Or dresses. Too girlie.
I thought I’d wait with buying new stuff until I’d moved - but since the moving isn’t as easy or done as quickly as I’d like to, I just bought fifteen new pieces and threw thirty old ones away. It made me feel terribly good.



I’ve been thinking of having my hair cut. It’s now below my elbows again. My cousin has been bothering me about that for quite some time now. She’s my hairdresser. She has a lot of cool ideas for my hair... color- and style-wise. Maybe I’ll take her up on it next month.


Now all that’s left is losing those few extra pounds I’ve gained. Frustration always does that to me.
I need to do sports. My lungs will still whistle in protest, but they’ll eventually get used to it.
It would be easier if I had a personal trainer. Can I have this guy? No? Okay, I’ll take that one instead. I’m really not that picky...


So when all that’s done I’m fairly certain I’ll feel as good as new. You know... like... a snake that has shed its skin.

Is this the beginning of my midlife crisis? If so that means it’s going to get worse? Oh dear.
Or am I in the middle of it? What comes next? I hate to jump in at the deep end.


* A lurker friend of mine complained that there are too many (half naked) men on this site and since he’s not gay he’d prefer some pics of a few hot girls every now and then. So that pic should suffice for a month or more. *hehe*