You finally go to bed sometime between 11 and 12 in the night and then you can’t sleep, because there are so many things on your mind that won’t give you one moment of peace. Then suddenly you wake up, realizing you have been sleeping. 3:38. The LCD screen blinks. Bandit is by your side. He looks at you. As if he’s trying to hypnotize you.
What a nice surprise. He never sleeps further up on the bed so close to your heart. He always curls up at the end of the bed. Like a super-shrimp. And you can’t move your legs because you’re afraid you might kick him. Funny thing, though. You can’t sleep when he’s not on the bed by your feet. You can’t sleep when he is.
He always goes on patrol in the night, checking each room for intruders. You hear his long claws click on the wooden floor. Click, click, click. Then he coos softly, like a turtle dove. He can’t meow. He coos. You wake up when he coos. That, together with the click, click, click of his claws won’t let you sleep. You can’t sleep when you don’t hear it either.
He also coos when you pat the place next to you, cluck your tongue twice and say his name. Whether he’s up and about or asleep somewhere, he’ll come to you, make eye-contact and coo again before he jumps up to where you patted. Like a dog. Then you can pet him. Rub his tummy. He especially likes that. Who said you can’t train cats? Well, you can. You just need a little more patience with them.
You pet him. He purrs. He licks the hand that pets him with his rough tongue so much that it almost hurts. He won't stop, because he loves to be petted. You pet him without really waking up. Petting him is second nature to you. He gets up and does something funny. He kisses you. A quick touch of a cold, wet nose to the tip of your nose. That’s a kiss in cat language. Then he leaves and you doze off again with the soft clicking sounds of his claws.
You wake up sometime later. 4:02. The LCD screen blinks. You need to hurry. Brush your teeth. Is it really true what they say about brushing your teeth three times a day and that will keep caries at bay?
It’s cold. And dark. The radio in your car blares. You like that song. Shut your eyes and think of somewhere. Somewhere cold and caked in snow. But you turn it down. It’s too loud. Sensitive ears.
There’s a hedgehog curled up by the street. Thank God you didn’t run it over. A miracle, because you drive almost 70 mph. There’s another hedgehog that you didn’t run over either. Someone else did that already. Its bowls are all over the street.
You don’t remember the way. You’re asking yourself if you can find the way. Somehow you arrive there. You found your way to the clinic blindly it seems. After so many years. Amazing.
It’s gray. It’s begun to rain also. The lights inside are blinding. A certain pounding starts in your head. A killer headache is about to start. And when the worrying starts to hurt. And the world feels like bricks of dirt. Just close your eyes until. You can imagine this place. Yeah, our secret space as well. Shut your eyes.
You don’t hear what the vet says. Not really. She’s nice. Calm. Looks bad, she says. You feel yourself nod. Are there white shores? You hope there are mice. And waxwings.
And then you let go.
And shut your eyes.
And pet him.
Bandit had to be put down this morning. He breathed his last breath at 5:27. The LCD screen blinked.
I planted white roses (behind the lantern), white pansies and white chrysanthemum on his grave.
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